Me and my friend, Herb, were having a few yeasty libations the other night at the malt shop. As we drained our last mug, here comes the waitress bearing down on our table with that small, but ominous piece of paper that must be indented with a viable credit card. Herb looked at me with zero-round eyes, the same shape as his bank account.
“Uh, Herb, I’d love the privilege, but didn’t I treat last time?”
”Yeah, but what’s love or last time got to do with it?” This was outright illogical - even for Herb.
“I learned it from watching the Court TV channel,” he continued. “Past behavior is unallowable as evidence.”
This liberal courtroom ruling was not at all in sync with my buddy’s medieval mind that considers the Magna Carta our last socially useful Civil Rights legislation. To Herb, the Iron Maiden, the Boot, and the Rack are a prosecutor’s best friends.
“All simple, low maintenance devices,” says Herb, “much more reliable than the polygraph.” He’s sympathetic, though, to the Appeals court system, as long as there is a 20% sentence extension if the accused loses.
He thinks the Miranda Act is Carmen’s old gig at the Copocabana.
The sight of my VISA card, slapped into the outstretched hand of our server, stimulated Herb to further conversation - jurisprudencewise. He was full of suggestions. First of all, he wanted to incentivize prosecutors.
“It just isn’t fair,” says Herb. “Here’s a DA who graduated from the State Agricultural School up against the Summa Cum Laude Ivy League Defense lawyer. County Road 251 against Fifth Avenue. Therefore,” postulates Herb, “prosecutors should be incentivized with conviction bonuses, which they can share with the judge. A tax free $10,000 for the ultimate penalty with lesser amounts for milder punishments. And of course the money comes out of a Conviction Incentive Pool, nourished by penalties on convicted felons.”
“Yeah, and what about matching grants,” I gleefully added. “Yeah,” crowed herb. “Matching grants for cooperative jurors.” He loved it.
He had yet a further improvement to our judicial system - though not original. Herb picked it up from Steven Landsburg - an economist who did a book a few years back, titled “Fair Play”, published by Free Press. Landsburg, a hawk-eyed observer who clearly sees the beam in the eye of our current legal system, has a salutary suggestion; any juror voting for acquittal in a murder case must take the defendant home for a week’s sojourn in the bosom of his family. (”Dearie, this is Cracko “Gunner” McKenzie - responsible for a mass wipeout at work - not because he’s evil, but due to the fact that he suffered an irritating, third straight lottery loss. He’s really an OK guy. Signed his forced confession - “Troubled”. He’ll be sleeping in the chaise lounge in our bedroom.)
My solonic friend had a few more suggestions:
- In any case involving personal injury, at least three members of the victim’s family shall be seated as jurors.
- A national “Love Our Felon Week” in which the families of ACLU members are locked up in a 2’ by 2’ jail cell with prisoners.
- Defendants must appear in court, dressed in their working uniforms. If the subject wore torn jeans, a T-shirt and a back-pocket bludgeon the night of his felony - that’s what he wears to court.
- Every courtroom has a small stage where the crime is dramatically reenacted by professional actors whose bonuses upon conviction come out of the Conviction Incentive Pool.
- Community Service will be abolished. Athletes with drug or alcohol related convictions and a raging compulsion to discuss them shall be gagged and kept ten miles from any schoolroom.
- The maximum education for Public Defenders is only grammar school. “Unsatisfactory” in at least three courses a year is necessary to qualify for the post.
- A defendant pleading insanity must submit to a prefrontal lobotomy by a palsied paramedic.
- All felons are formally sentenced on Leap Year, February 29, and time is duly measured from that date. “Let the Supreme Court chew on that instead of criminal rights,” says Herb, the legislator.
- Since convicted defendants can appeal through multiple judicial levels, let’s grant the same privilege to the prosecutors.
The Penal System? Herb’s got a nifty approach. “You empty the jails, round up the cons, and run the last great cattle drive in American history. From the four corners of our errant land, you herd ‘em to the top half of Alaska where they are provided with shelter (igloos) and food (blubber) and completely unrestrained to frolic with the carnivorous polar bear.
Just as soon as the Congress gets Social Security fixed up, Herb’s going to present his program. He’s no pollyanna. He expects some opposition from the Alaska delegation.
