Politicians love taxes like my cat loves cream. We just got another notice from the mayor’s minions about my cat, Kato. She’s a winsome black and white alley cat who could pass for an miscolored Siamese on a moonless night.
But the mayor is worried about her - he’s afraid she might be afflicted with rabies - so he tells us in municipal form 253M. Therefore, says the animal lover who presides over our city, she needs a rabies shot. And she needs to be licensed. Please send me 25 bucks, he concludes. Is this not a violation of the feline privacy act? We cat advocates need to roar, not meow, over this. Cats are proud and private creatures. Kato would be humiliated to know that somewhere in a city hall drawer, she’s listed like a dumb telephone pole. I won’t tell her, but I will tell her that when PETA’s plans mature and felines get enfranchised, she should vote for whoever’s opposing the mayor.
I say that if he demands that Kato, now a pawn of the state, be inoculated, why not protect us taxpaying humans from the 300 sneaky, non-taxpaying squirrels in my backyard? They bite about as often as cats. How could an astute politician overlook the fact that 300 times 25 bucks is about ten minutes of TV time describing his virtues and there’s more squirrels around town than cats. Besides, there’s a cat lobby of cat-owners like me, but no squirrel lobby. Even PETA has no plans for giving the vote to the rodents who pillage your pecan tree.
Instead of a cat tax I’d prefer a good ol’ confiscatory state income tax increase. It beats this hypocritical fantasy over rabid cats. A rabid cat is a rarity commensurate with a truthful politician. And they only bite (and lightly, lovingly at that) when they’re making more cats; an activity as yet, untaxed.
It’s the duplicity I hate. I mean, if you need $25 that badly, hide a police car in those big bushes where Speedway Avenue intersects with Hot Rod Blvd. It’s a district the mayor NEVER carries, anyhow.
Tax my cat? It’s more reasonable to tax my three apple trees and subject them to an annual mandatory spray. Cats don’t bite humans, but apple trees spread the contagious Alberta Blight with every malicious wind that flutters their leaves. There won’t be an unblighted apple in town. And consider how many naive, innocent kids will sicken on diseased apples. Now, there’s a wise cause for the mayor! Apple trees NEVER vote.
