The Free Market 9, no. 9 (September 1991)
Environmental activists have recently uncovered a plot to destroy The Planet. A foreign race has managed to infiltrate our most pristine spaces with a simple but devastating scheme: to stomp, chew, and defecate The Planet into oblivion. They are perhaps the least suspect of our fellow fauna. They are The Cows.
That’s right: The Cows. Fortunately, the National Audubon Society has exposed this plan in a recent documentary, The New Range Wars, co-produced and aired by Turner Broadcasting. It opens with a frightening revelation “The American West was once a paradise for wildlife, until it was invaded by an alien species,” says narrator Peter Coyote. “Now there’s an urgent battle for survival being waged between livestock and wildlife.”
“Born in Europe and Asia, cattle are well..known culprits in the world, having ruined huge areas on every continent except Antarctica.” But you can bet they have plans for the icy paradise as well
In retrospect it seems obvious. How could we overlook those beady, staring eyes; those wide nostrils fuming against The Planet? What could their twisted minds be plotting but global Cowmageddon?
The truth about The Cows began to surface in the late 1980s, when environmentalists discovered that bovine flatulence was a source of methane, a greenhouse gas. But that was only the beginning. Today, the true extent of their villainy is known. According to the Audubon Society, The Cows are wreaking havoc on the Western plains of the United States—devouring grass.. lands, pooping in rivers, and· driving their Politically Correct counterparts, The Buffalo, from their natural habitat.
The Cows leave only ecological devastation in their wake. Their hooves compact the soil, increasing water runoff and promoting soil erosion, says Audubon. They endanger antelope, sheep, elk, and tortoises. And in their spare time, they seek out and murder baby trees: “Tender young saplings are one of their favorite snacks.”
Other environmental groups have recognized the bovine threat. The Worldwatch Institute has issued Taking Stock: Animal Farming and the Environment, which reveals that The Cows cause forest fires and fossil fuel depletion. “Cows have a knack for destroying fragile, pristine desert ecosystems,” warns Earth First! And they’re annihilating the· Amazon rain forest, says Earthworks.
“Cattle are an unnatural disaster,” says Steve Johnson of Native Ecosystems. “They are an exotic, introduced ungulate, with a great capacity for destruction.” Clearly, The Cows must be stopped.
Fortunately for The Planet, environmentalists are battling to do just that. Through Congressman Mike Synar (D..OK), they have introduced legislation to raise grazing fees on public lands 400% over the next four years. The Synar legislation passed the House in late June, and an amended version that spreads the increase over five to seven years was passed a month later, after congressional proponents argued that the measure would raise $150 million a year for the govemment.
Just in case people get the idea that this is a sleazy attempt to gouge the cattle industry, Jim Fish of the Public Land Action Network emphasizes that “what we’re proposing is getting all the livestock off the public lands.”
Environmental activists have assumed responsibility for the tough choices that must be made. When confronted with the hundreds of small ranching towns that might be destroyed by the Synar amendment, Fish is unwavering: “I feel like they’re a dying breed anyway, and I just don’t see why we should let them continue to destroy the public land to support a lifestyle whose time has passed.”
More devoted ecology groups have decided to engage The Cows in armed combat. After several guerrilla operations, including the destruction of a livestock auction building in California, a full ..scale battle recently occurred on federal land in southern Utah. A brave band of activists killed 21 cattle and destroyed two of their installations (referred to euphemistically as “line cabins”). This may be only the beginning of a long war.
Of course, The Cows have their apologists. The most prominent are The Cattlemen, who suggest that closing the public lands to cattle ranching might drive up beef prices and throw thousands of people out of work. Worse, they smear environmentalists by pointing out that they usually pay no fees for their forays on public grounds, and that driving the cattle away will eliminate their main competitor for control of federal lands.
Be wary of such propaganda. The Cows and their friends are masters of deception. They want the public to dismiss the cowspiracy as an environmentalist hoax, designed to dupe Americans into relinquishing control of federal lands to ecofanatics and bureaucrats. Don’t you believe it.
